


Realization, or, A Study In Destiel

by SilverRaven33



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Castiel's POV, Destiel - Freeform, Destiel Freeform, Emotions, Falling In Love, Falling in love without realizing it, First Kiss, M/M, One Shot, Some angst, emotions from an angel's POV
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-28
Updated: 2020-02-28
Packaged: 2021-02-27 20:27:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,511
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22931737
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SilverRaven33/pseuds/SilverRaven33
Summary: Castiel is drawn to Dean Winchester without really knowing why. Until he figures it out.Just a quick one shot I typed up, my first toe in the waters that are Destiel.Violence warning just for an image of torture in the beginning.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 4
Kudos: 42





	Realization, or, A Study In Destiel

**Author's Note:**

> So I'm watching Supernatural for the first time and I just finished Season 5 today. This little one shot is the result of my mind running away with Destiel afterwards. 
> 
> If anybody actually likes this enough to comment on, all I ask is no spoilers. I'm trying to be as careful as I can be and I wasn't even going to write much less post anything, until I was done with the series but sometimes the characters say otherwise.

Castiel falls in love with Dean slowly, bit by bit, not even knowing what’s happening until it’s too late and he’s too far gone. The first time he sees the human, he must admit he’s not terribly impressed. Dean’s in the middle of torturing a woman, and though Castiel can tell at a glance that the victim was one who abused her young children until they died when she was on Earth, he also takes in how Dean is enjoying slicing open her calves slowly and bleeding her out while she’s strung up. If he’d had to save someone, why couldn’t God have sent him to do so before the guy had given in to Alastair’s temptations? Cas can only remind himself that it is not for him to question Father’s motives, and snatch Dean out of Hell with a strong hand on his shoulder. He knows his touch as he performs this powerful maneuver is burning the fragile human’s skin and will probably leave a mark but it’s no less than the lucky bastard deserves.

It’s only later that Castiel realizes Dean is perhaps not so lucky as it might have appeared at first. Sure, God chose him to be raised from the depths, but it’s for a reason that Cas imagines will not be met with joy. Still, the angel follows orders and finds Dean on Earth. He is not much more impressed this time around. Maybe the man is cleaner than he was in Hell, he’s showered and he’s not tormenting souls, but he’s got a horrible attitude, not to mention he stabs Castiel when they first meet properly. It’s no matter, of course, he doesn’t have an angel blade and so it does no harm. But still, to try to kill the being that pulled one out of Hell? Even for a human, this behavior is confusing and abhorrent. 

Castiel does have a soft spot for humans, his brethren are right. They amuse him, and when he’s not working he enjoys watching them go about their lives: raising their young; running their little territories and keeping order, though usually badly; and all the seemingly insignificant activities they perform in a turn of a sun, most of which Castiel doesn’t understand. But they’re oddly cute creatures, in a so-ugly-they’re-cute kind of way, and after all, they’re his Father’s favorite creations. Castiel would love them if only for that reason.

But this Dean Winchester might make him reconsider how much sympathy some of them deserve. He has an attractive form, Castiel must admit that by the third time he encounters him, not that Dean has any control about how he was made to look. That was totally up to Father, and He has blessed this one that way as well. He’s so insufferably insulting though, even if Castiel doesn’t understand a lot of what comes out of his mouth, he can tell by the tone Dean is often not sincere. Castiel knows he shouldn’t care what the human says or means, he’s just there to do a job, but for some reason he’s intrigued by this particular creature. 

It’s not as if there’s many chosen vessels, however, especially for such beings as Michael, and Cas blames it on that status at first as to why he’s drawn to Dean. What is it about him that made Father choose him? As he spends more time with Dean, the angel begins to see under the hard exterior the man has constructed to the turmoil that lies beneath. 

Castiel is fascinated by emotions, though he cannot tell this to many of the other angels. He watched what happened to Anna when she got too caught up in the humans’ sentiments. But he tells himself he can stay detached, and just observe. He knows emotions are why these little creatures do almost everything that they do, and sometimes he thinks if Father would bother to pay attention to that, he could take better care of them. But it seems as if it doesn’t matter to Him one way or the other what happens to his creations lately, and Cas has to try not to let this fact bother him. It is not his place to question Father. It is his job to be a good son, and a good angel, and obey. Emotions are not part of his makeup by nature and maybe he's not supposed to understand them. 

And there’s the heart of the matter, when he finally admits it to himself, of why he’s so intrigued by Dean: the man is an almost constant whirlwind of every emotion, though Castiel thinks he’d really rather die than ever let anybody know that. Which of course is a sizzling ball of emotion in and of itself. No wonder Cas can’t stop watching him. He knows he’s not as detached as he should be. But he has to think that someone that is so intent on saving human lives that he is willing to stand up to angels to do so must not be all bad. 

Castiel cannot decide what to feel...er, he means...think...about Sam Winchester. He knows what he’s done of course, but he also knows that Sam never really had a choice. Azazel cursed him when he was just a youngling. Still, Cas remains hesitant around the younger man, cautious just in case. But being in the same room with Dean and Sam is more than the angel had expected. He might not understand emotions but he can sense when there are extremely strong ones about. Usually it’s the fire of anger or the tang of fear that is apparent enough for Castiel to be aware of when he’s around humans. 

But when Dean is in Sam’s presence, the angel is almost blinded by the outpouring of love he can’t help but feel between the brothers. Even when they’re mad at each other, even when they’re barely talking, when trust is broken and harsh words are spoken, the thread of love is clearly there. Castiel is aware of wishing he could feel something like that from his brothers and sisters, but the angel realm only allows for strict allegiance. Their bonds are strong because God says they must be. Cas can never be someone’s brother or son in a way that humans are, and he wonders if humans might not be richer for that experience. 

It’s when he sees Dean cry for the first time that he’s aware he’s in trouble. He still doesn’t know how far gone he actually is. He just knows there’s a strange tugging and twisting on the inside of his vessel’s chest, and he wonders if the organs are somehow failing. It seems to keep functioning however, and he goes to rest a hand on Dean’s shoulder. The man is clearly in pain over his brother’s difficulties, even though he has plenty of problems of his own. Castiel wishes more than anything that he could do something to ease Dean’s struggles, that he could at least understand more of what he’s going through. 

The longer Castiel spends here on Earth, the further he can tell he’s slipping from the flock. He supposes this should bother him more. But Dean seems to need him, it seems to help the human to have him around, and Cas wants to help him. He likes feeling special, important to someone, instead of just another soldier. He wants to stay loyal to his Father, to do what is required of him no matter what, and he swears to himself that he will continue to do so. 

That is, he does until he chooses Dean. This much is conscious, at least, though he may not fully realize until much later why he makes the choice he does. For the moment, it’s got nothing to do with the way the man looks at Castiel in salvation now when he shows up, or the stupid laugh he forces out when he’s trying to lighten the mood, or the adorable way he gets so excited over something as simple as pie. Nothing at all to do with those things. It’s just that Cas cannot allow someone who is trying to do the right thing not be able to at least have the chance. 

He’s seen too much: he’s seen his fellow angels turn into ruthless killers while Dean is desperately trying to keep more lives from being lost. And from everything he’s heard, God doesn’t care anymore anyway. Maybe Cas is crazy for starting to believe Dean might find a way out of the apocalypse, but he’d rather be crazy and dead than pay too high of a price for mere continued existence. He guesses Dean’s opinions have gotten to him more than he could have expected. 

Castiel rather likes being drunk. He sees what Dean sees in it. The world gets fuzzy for awhile and problems don’t seem to matter anymore. Sam seems to be judging him, but he helps him to the couch anyway. Cas doesn’t quite understand why he is wishing so badly that Dean would sit down next to him, but he knows the man is busy trying to save the world so he doesn’t let himself pout about it like he wants to. 

If he can get drunk, that must mean he’s losing what makes him an angel, he knows. He refuses to think about this until the next day, until after the headache finally goes away. Sitting in a corner of the motel room by himself, a silent statue, he mourns the slow loss of his grace. How much longer will it be till he has no more mojo, as Dean calls it? Do humans always feel this utterly _alone_? Then Dean is placing a bag of fast food in front of him, saying that nothing helps a hangover like a greasy burger, and Cas knows this is Dean taking care of him, and he feels better immediately. The food is odd but not unpleasant. He is more comforted by the fact that Dean is in a better mood today than yesterday, after a successful mission. 

Sam doesn’t trust him completely, Cas can feel it. But Dean does, and Sam trusts his brother. The two are a package deal; that much is obvious. If Cas is going to be there for Dean, it means being there for Sam as well. But he witnesses a beautiful thing the longer he’s around the brothers. Though one of them might stray to the dark side, or partially, for a time, the other’s belief and love always brings them back. Always. Angels, contrary to what humans like to believe about them, have no such parallel. 

Confusion doesn’t even begin to describe what Castiel is feeling the night that Dean tries to get him laid, whatever that means. Oh. He means to lay with a woman. Cas knows Dean does this activity a lot, Sam has told him. And Dean is comfortable in the brothel, all easy smiles and a relaxed posture for once. It’s good to see. The light is dim and while the music is unpleasant to the angel’s ears (he’s learned to appreciate the finer songs that Dean plays off the cassette tapes in his automobile), Cas is content to sit and watch Dean. 

Suddenly a nubile female with barely anything on is leading him away, and Dean is smiling wider than ever, and Cas knows he doesn’t want this. He’ll admit he’s been curious about sex, sure, but this feels wrong. The potential experience is not so important to him that he’s willing to overlook the lack of love between partners, and there is simply no way to establish that as quickly as what it seems this girl would like to. Cas tries a comforting gesture, telling her some good news about her past that he can sense, but she gets very upset with him, and Cas is left even more confused. But then Dean is there, with him, instead of with the female he’d been appropriating, rescuing Cas in this situation. The man’s arm seems tighter around his shoulders than usual as they stand in the alley behind the establishment and Cas would rather be here than in that overly scented room with that strange girl. He wishes her well. Everyone deserves real love, not a false version. 

When Dean starts thinking about saying yes to being Michael’s vessel, Castiel is heartbroken. Not that Dean says any such thing, but the angel can tell, and it’s the silent deception that almost hurts worse than anything. He really cares far too much about this human, he has let himself put far too much faith in him if he’s feeling so much pain over his change of mind. But all emotions are exquisite, even the unpleasant ones, and Cas is thankful to Dean for showing him so many. It still hurts, though, it hurts so much it transforms into anger and then he’s hitting Dean, yelling at him about what he gave up for him. And Dean is begging him to stop, and Cas realizes he’s not fighting back, that Dean won’t hit him because he knows Cas is right.

There’s blood on Dean’s beautiful face, blood that Castiel has caused to be there, and the angel stares in horror at what he’s done. This is love? This is horrible. And the knowledge finally hits Castiel, on this dirty city street at ten o’clock on a Thursday night, with Dean injured by his hand crouched in front of him. This is love. He’d never imagined it to be this messy. 

He kneels down to the asphalt, the rain and dirt dampening his trousers, but he doesn’t notice. He wraps his arms around Dean and uses the last little bit of grace available to him to heal what he’s done and to give the man as much comfort as he’s able. He realizes there are tears in Dean’s eyes. Dean asks what Castiel is doing, the angel supposes because they’ve never been this physically close for this long before. He responds that isn’t it obvious, he’s holding him, and Dean chuckles, a sound that Cas loves. 

It all makes sense now: the irregular heartbeats, the constant concern for him, the loneliness when he hasn’t seen him for awhile, the longing for his attention, not that he ever has to wait long. Castiel has fallen in love with Dean Winchester. Well, he had wanted to know what it feels like to feel. 

Castiel pulls back enough to lean his forehead against Dean’s, meeting his eyes. They’re a dark green in the glow of the streetlights, and Cas has never seen a more beautiful sight. He wonders what a kiss would feel like but he doesn’t know how to begin and he’s nervous in a way he’s never known. Dean gives him a little smile, and is the one to kiss him first, a chaste press of lips that Castiel feels all throughout his body. Being human is perhaps not so bad.


End file.
